You're just as depressing as you are A bitch, what's new?

 

*If you find typos please comment where so I can edit, I did not proof read this!

Also feel free to stream this while reading! 

trigger warning: talks of self harm (not in a serious sense)

So it's 1am in the morning and I'm up late typing....

I have been spiraling worst than Andrea from love island USA for the past 2 frickin weeks, and honestly... Its Queen Najia's fault FUCK HER. (I'm so unserious 😭). 

I've been thinking A lot about my personal image and events in my life that have caused me to feel sewer-cidal And Now my therapist makes me pay in advance 🧍🏾‍♀️....

that was also a joke, But enough of that it's time to talk serious!

Like most people, I've battled for years to be at ease with not caring what other people think of me, and it's pretty much a losing battle. I posted a question on Instagram around August 3rd, asking whether people would rather be "ignorantly happy" or "an overthinker." 

Questions I'm so bent on are: 

- would doing this matter if the world is going to Sugar Honey Ice Tea anyway?

- why is it - others never feel bad when they hurt people?

- If I wasn't a black women would A lot of people still be telling me the things they feel so comfortable saying?

- WHAT IF WHAT IF WHAT IF?

 I think you get the idea.

I feel like I can never just live, be myself, or be deserving of great things in life because of multiple external and internal attributes I have, and this could truly just be me overthinking it???..  But I'll let viewers decide.

Storytime of realtime mental illness...

Warning: what you are about to read is the most excruciating brainrot you will ever see, If you want to save your sanity and energy, please skip to the next bold header.

A few days ago my sister's school was holding an open house for the students as it is time for school to start again in the fall. My mother and father couldn't make it so my mom asked a family friend to pick us up and drop us off to the open house. Luckily we make it there and our family friend decides to stay with us as we go to meet my sisters new teachers! For me the experience was horrible and I felt horrible because of some actions I felt caused my first impression.

I hate revisiting the school I graduated from a lot and this is because high school wasn't a great place for me. Of course i've had a few amazing friends (shout out to ya'll, you know who you are) but the overall experience was very triggering. As we walked the hallways and attempted to speak to a few people I know, My anxiety started to heighten because it's not like most wanted to talk and just being in the area made me physically sick. We eventually ended up arriving to one of my sisters teachers and we get in line to wait our turns so that we could speak. As we wait a girl decided to kind of inch herself from behind us to the front of us and I was already on edge because I have a big place in my heart for southern hospitality. When the teacher finishes talking to the family in front of us, we move up and this girl moves quickly and says hi to the teacher I "tchh" and went outside of the classroom, because I just couldn't handle that moment and the teacher calls out to us outside of the classroom asking if we had any questions.

In the moment I wasn't trying to think of or give any lenience to the girl and I truly felt bad because I might Yap A lot and say I don't care, but I truly can't bring myself to be a bad person or do bad things to people. Even after the fact that I Already did the bad thing It still makes me physically sick. (some people who know of me might not believe this). 

And this led my family friend and my sister to think I was laughing or somehow making fun of girl (which God kill me now if I'm lying, I wasn't). And this made me feel even worst because now I'm being perceived as someone who makes fun of people or someone who feels entitled because of this situation, and it makes me so sick. 

I'm a very sensitive person so the slightest sign I get that someone may or may not like me, I overthink and crashout, when people ignore me I crashout, And you can guess this, do you think I ask people out?? HELL NO I'd rather crashout.

And this truly will be the death of me. When typing this situation out you can see I'm visibly making this about me right? And now I'm about to crashout Because When you overthink you're making the situation about you and thats kind of selfish (says society) And thats truly not my intentions at all, But it's genuinely chronic and fighting it has been very hard. 

Another situation that happened that day was when me and my family friend was talking while my sister was visiting JROTC. He had asked me something along the lines of "whats my plans around 21" (think thats how it went? source: unreliable) And I started to talk about how my goal leading up to 21 was to be financially responsible, so I'd buy a used car with no car note, I'd save money in a HYSA, and I wanted a camper instead of an apartment. He looked and me and said "you want to stay here" I replied "No, I just want to be more financially responsible, plus I love campers" and in my eyes I swore I caught a glance of disapproval (I probably imagined that) and my cortisal shot up because I'm like " Oh shit now he thinks I don't want great things, and that I just settle and-" the list goes on and on, so now I'm scrambling trying to convince him its totally a good Idea so that he wouldn't dislike me. And then he proceeded to ask "why not an apartment?" I said "because I don't like the idea of paying over thousands of dollars for a place I won't get to own, where as with a camper, yes its more expensive, but I only pay maybe max $500 a month and in the end I get to keep it." He said "nah I would rather an apartment" which is fair I respect that. And then the convo was over... I was over.

What Make's Someone "Deserving"?

Have you ever heard the term "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder"? I believe this term can be used to refer to just about any opinion any individual can have, And the reason for this is because the idea of "being deserving" is a reflection of ones self and values. Think about it! Do you consider the "beauty standard" your opinion on what you believe beauty is? Probably not because its not like you came up with it. When I think of attributes that make someone deserving, I think about it deeply.... Like soul level deep. What are your intentions, are you willing to do the hard things, do you have Gratitude, do you treat others with respect, do you have any contributions, and do you push yourself to be a better you. These question are what I believe reflects whether someone is deserving because I'm basing it off my values. When you read the storytime from before hand, does it live up to those questions? Also probably not because I'm overthinking it or simply going by it the wrong way. Though I think all these thoughts, at the end of the day in the back of my head this right here does not matter what so ever. If you really want to talk about the world going to shit, its because of thought processes like this, I'm basically crashing my own world by caring about the wrong things. Being Nice, careful, less opinionated, or mindful does not make you a good or deserving person, caring what others think sure as hell does not make you a good or deserving person, and until I and others who also struggle with this realize that, were only just going to keep living miserable.  You have to be able to love every and I mean EVERY aspect of who you are to actually change it and by allowing yourself to feel, to speak, and to experience things, gives us the ability to grow and move pass hurtful behaviors. Then endless quest for validation, the insatiable need to be liked by everyone, can truly kill the many joys of life. Instead of being paralyzed by what others might think, embrace the freedom that comes from focusing on what truly matters—your passions, your growth, and the meaningful connections you can create. Allow yourself to cherish life because there are far more important things than seeking approval!

FINALLY THE CLOSING!!!

Thank you to everyone who've stayed till the very end! I truly hoped you enjoyed this victimizing and small thought piece and please feel free to give your opinion/thoughts on this, It would mean A lot! I know some peoples opinions on me have probably change after reading that storytime but as of right now I don't care cause I just popped my ashwagandha 😂. We are humans and humans feel and I truly aim to grow and so should you!

XOXO, Kameron!